Swine flu. Run for my life!
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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