Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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