omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
