I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
