feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
