I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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