I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
