how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
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