I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Randomize
