My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
i out mim tonsoeep
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