omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
apparently the secret to your success is patron
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
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