2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
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