Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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