The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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