i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
