So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
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