Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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