don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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