This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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