You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
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