i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
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