sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
