I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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