now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
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