Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
