someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Randomize
