he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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