I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Randomize
