you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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