Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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