the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
