one word: firstdatebathroomanal
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Randomize
