even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
