I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
