Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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