I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize