I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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