how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize