Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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