Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize