Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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