i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
