she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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