just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
