if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
