i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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