You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
