I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
