Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
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