I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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