Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
