Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Randomize
