I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
