If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
