I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
