if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
