I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
