I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Randomize
